*disclaimer-it's late and this is a gargled mess of thoughts thrown up on a blog post. My thoughts were not organized and I've never sat down to write this out before in my life (except my journal)...read on at your own risk*
So, first of all, I have really enjoyed reading everyone's cleaning "philosophies". I am seeing glimpses into your personalities that we don't often see because they happen when we are in our homes and nobody else is around. Our little secrets, if you will. I too, have a few secrets that I'm not always super open about because they are accompanied by massive guilt and embarrassment.
But we are friends...right? This is a tough subject for me and I debated not doing this challenge at all but then I thought... this could be really good for me so here goes.
I have major OCD with a focus on cleaning and organizing. To some, this is not a secret, they know me well and to others this may not surprise you if you know my personality and to others this may be a shock. With this said, here is my cleaning philosophy (not by choice):
EVERYTHING CLEAN, EVERY DAY.
Here's where I cringe. I literally CANNOT go to bed if a single dish is in the sink, piece of clothing is on the floor, towel is hung crookedly in the bathroom, or toy is left out etc. It drives Braden crazy but over the last 5 years he has come to terms and realized that if he helps me, I will be available to relax and cuddle sooner because I will not stop until all is done. I can't stop.
This is not a choice I have made and I am constantly working on it, ways to ease up and let some things slide. Some people may ask, why? Why would you want to change that? But I am constantly racked with guilt about how much time I spend cleaning rather than using some of those minutes to be on the floor rolling around with my kids, building forts, reading books to them, studying the gospel etc.
Also, I have a love/hate relationship with "to do" lists and chore charts and cleaning lists etc. I thrive on extreme organization and having a list with everything I need to do but I also hate to fail and when there is an unchecked item... well I can't deal with that. So this challenge has helped because I have a list of 20 things and 30 days to complete. I can do it!
I should probably clarify one thing: my house may be visually spotless meaning dishes are done, beds are made (yes even the crib), counters are clean and floors are cleared and vacuumed. But it by no means means that my toilets are clean, floors are mopped, and shelves are dusted. My OCD leans in the organization direction. So everything is always organized and clean, not disinfected.
Another reason I struggle with this is because being a homemaker was never really something I envisioned growing up. My liberal, feminist side fights my mothering, nurturing side daily. Of course there is no other place I would dream of being than with my kids (unless our situation called for it) and I do feel the extreme importance of raising, rearing, and nurturing my boys to be exceptional young men but I often feel like I am losing myself in this role only to find my OCD heightened because THAT I have control over.
One last thing. (Ok, maybe I won't post this because I don't want my relationship to change with any of you). I don't judge. Ever. I wish I had it as together as you ladies but I don't. So cleaning is where I feel like I gain control over my life and "get by" in all other areas. Please don't ever think that when I am in your home I am judging. I am not. This is why I don't often share this with people because I have had people stop inviting me over. It's true. And painful.
With that said, here is what I've done from my list so far:
Items # 5, 9, and 12
Happy Sunday evening to you all.
PS- Taylor, you're my hero. Your confession of RAK almost made us swerve into oncoming traffic when I read it, screamed loudly with a sudden burst of laughter and scared Braden while he was driving. Hilarious!
So, this is what Amanda does.
Wow! I love this, Amanda! Thanks for sharing, and good luck with figuring out your center with all of this.
ReplyDeleteI have a very good friend who isn't OCD about organizing, but about cleaning actually. I didn't realize how extreme it was until just a couple of months ago when she explained how she actually has to vacuum in a certain way, and it's a daily struggle for her to let her son make his bed the way he wants to and for her not to go in and "fix it".
I never feel judged by you. My place is a mess but we are all different. I deeply envy your drive to keep a clean house. You are a fantastic Mom whom I admire greatly.
ReplyDeleteAmanda--my OCD tendencies were exacerbated by having children and staying home with them too. They aren't about cleaning but they often get in the way of being the type of mom I want to be, so I can understand where you are coming from. You are a good mom. Let go of the guilt . . .
ReplyDeletep.s. glad I could make you laugh. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Amanda; it's given me great insight into my sister-in-law and mom, and brought me some peace. Seriously. So my oldest sister-in-law is fantastic: does incredible family traditions, calls everyone on their birthdays, reads and reads and reads, serves and serves and serves and runs a house-hold of 5 kids and one bishop husband. My mom is fantastic: she listens to and follows prompting of the Spirit better than anyone I've ever met. She raised 7 kids, served and served and serves and battled numerous health challenges like breast cancer. Both women I admire very much; as I do you.
ReplyDeleteThe hard thing for me is that I totally rebel from complete organization and cleanliness and structure. That's why I married Justin. He's chill and content 99% of the time. He's not a go-getter but quietly accomplishes great things and then says "meh" when he gets complimented about them. He doesn't do check lists or written out goals, but somehow follows the Spirit in his goals and keeps it all straight in his head. He's a good balance for me and my family.
Anyway, my constant struggle is figuring out how I can do an be like my sister-in-law and mom... in my own way. And not feel the need to compare and guilt myself for not being like them. And not react to their approach. I so appreciate you saying you don't walk into a house and see the broken red box in the corner and the diaper(S!) under the chair. Thank you for sharing and helping me. I'm sorry it's hard; it's hard for me from the other side :) You accomplish great things though! Primary is just one of them!
I understand your "having control" and "just getting by" comment Amanda; that's why I actually enjoy cleaning! I can look and see/think yeah, I accomplished something today. So unlike raising children. It's hard to see the progress. I like the control and instant gratification of cleaning, even if it does disappear soon after.
ReplyDeleteI have a lot to say about guilt. I was actually formulating a post about it in my brain last night before I read all these posts today. Maybe it shall be forthcoming.
ReplyDeleteI have so many questions for you, Amanda:
Where do you think your OCD comes from?
Do you think it can be solved with medication or counseling?
I hope you don't feel offended by my questions. It's just that if an obsession inhibits you from enjoying normal life or drives other people away, it may need more attention than you are giving it. I totally get the "wanting control" thing as a mom. We all can. But if the roots of your problem run deeper, and it's actually controlling you, then there might be more to it.
Amanda, you are a brave soul to post your confession! I love that you don't let your ocd turn into judging others for their lack of the same behavior. I just struggle trying to feel like I'm keeping my head above water with cleaning and organizing most days. I grew up with a mom who had my sisters and I clean the bathrooms before school every morning, hated ANY collection of paper on a counter, kept a spotless home (white carpet, walls, AND furniture!), and, like Angela, I try hard not to constantly compare myself to her and still find my own way of accomplishing what she did without being the mom that has her kids clean the bathrooms before school every day. I tend to look at my house with a "if my mom were to show up, she'd be so disappointed" lens.
ReplyDeleteMartha - would LOVE to hear your thoughts on the guilt thing! I think I carry LOADS of it around all the time when I don't need to!